Thursday, October 23, 2008

Future Desires

So I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, mainly because I don't have much else to do. I started thinking about what I would like to obtain in the future as a family and my own personal desires. This is for those who want to get to know me better and where Robert and I are at in our life, this will also help me try to obtain what I want in life for us.

As a family:

1. Have our own home again, we desire our independence back, and our furniture back. I cant say it enough how frustrating this is and how impatient I'm getting. I feel that I am not in control, and that is difficult for my personality.

2. Start a family whether it's in Heavenly Father's plan for us to conceive our own children or adopting children that Heavenly Father has prepared for us. We wont know until we are prepared to know his will. I don't want children right away, but there is some weird hormonal things going on inside of me telling me the clock is ticking but my logical side keeps fighting it.

3. Be able to communicate with my siblings on an adult level. I am much younger than them so they don't really like it when their little sister tells them what to do. I can't help it, they treat me like a child, so what do I do? I belittle them.

School and Life

1. I want Robert to be done with school already. I can't wait. Once he is done I want to go back full time. I have such a desire to learn more, I have grown more and have discovered my interests. I want to learn more about animals, the judicial system, politics, religion and culture. Knowledge is power my friends.

2. I want to enjoy a career where I am happy, and animals make me the happiest. They don't care what I look like or my hobbies. They especially don't judge me. So I want to give back to them. I want to create an animal rescue and sanctuary. I don't need to make tons of money, I just want to be happy in my choices. I like to help improve and make things better for others.

3. I want the best in Robert's career. I admire him for choosing something he enjoys over choosing something that will make us rich. Money does not equal happiness. I have trust that once he graduates and starts his career in Post film production, he will be happy because it's his hobby and he knows he is good at it.

Things

1. We so badly want a Honda Element, they are so ugly but very much dog friendly and we are dog people through and through. I wish this was something we could have now. Taking the dogs out and about, and toting other's dogs as well will help build my business and desire to work with dogs.

2. Vacations! We both need a vacation together that doesn't involve visiting family. We just need to get away and experience England, Mexico, Africa, Japan or back East for some history lessons.

3. Laws. I want to write up a federal child/firearm protection law and submit it to congress. I also want to help get more animal protection laws passed in California if I could. Anyone that can torture an animal can torture a child, in my opinion that leads up to serial killings.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Disneyland Halloween Time!

This last Saturday Robert and I went to Disneyland to enjoy the Halloween decorations and activities. It was nice just to go for the day and actually do things other than ride the attractions. Looking in the stores and noticing the decor. It was a good relaxing day for the both of us. I hope we can go again before it all disappears.

This goat in Big Thunder Ranch was real clingy and so cute. He loved his head being scratched.


The Haunted Mansion is decorated with Nightmare Before Christmas decorations. So fun!

Me and Robert with the Dia de los Muertos calacas decoration in Frontierland


Goofy dressed up as a skeleton and Minnie dressed up as a witch

Big Mickey Jack-O-Lantern at the beginning of Main Street USA

The entrance into Disneyland all decorated for Halloween!

Friday, October 17, 2008

Therapy

After my nieces death I haven't been myself. I don't sleep well, I have withdrawn from social gatherings, I distance myself from others, I dont feel anything when someone hugs or touches me. I especially don't talk about my feelings to anyone for fear of breaking down to tears. I can't talk about her death without crying. I suppose I am grieving in my own way, the only way I know how, by putting up walls to avoid pain.

My heart is still broken. I officially know what that feels like. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. I would rather feel a thousand kidney stones than feel a broken heart. I am comforted by the gospel knowing I will see her again, but I am still human and I still feel humanly feelings like sorrow. Why doesn't anyone understand that I need to grieve in my own way? I cant just brush this under the rug. I was really close to my niece, it's like loosing a little sister.

I am so consumed by my pain that I have a hard time focusing on life and I am having some short term memory loss. I cant remeber what I did half an hour ago.

Last night I sought some therapy from our local stake councelor, Bud. He listened, I cried. I listened, he shared some thoughts. He told me I need to work on bringing my walls down and let myself feel joy as well as sorrow. I need to decrease my distance from those around me. And I need to trust that my husband will listen if I just open up and share how I feel. This will be difficult for me since I dont know how to be open about something that hurts me. My tear ducts are a walking time-bomb. I dont want people to see me cry. I fear if I cry, then I am weak, people will see my vulnerability and take advantage of that and then I will hurt again. I am paranoid with obsessive compulsive disorder and heightened anxiety due to circumstance.

I am an Aunt who lost a Niece to suicide. It hurts not just to say it, but to type it as well.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Trunk or Treat

Help!!!! I really need some "Trunk or Treat" ideas. I have no idea how to decorate our trunk. Is it supposed to be decorated to fit our costumes? If so, Robert is the Wolfman and I am Red Riding Hood. So please someone help me and give me some ideas. I am in desperate need!