Friday, October 17, 2008


After my nieces death I haven't been myself. I don't sleep well, I have withdrawn from social gatherings, I distance myself from others, I dont feel anything when someone hugs or touches me. I especially don't talk about my feelings to anyone for fear of breaking down to tears. I can't talk about her death without crying. I suppose I am grieving in my own way, the only way I know how, by putting up walls to avoid pain.

My heart is still broken. I officially know what that feels like. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. I would rather feel a thousand kidney stones than feel a broken heart. I am comforted by the gospel knowing I will see her again, but I am still human and I still feel humanly feelings like sorrow. Why doesn't anyone understand that I need to grieve in my own way? I cant just brush this under the rug. I was really close to my niece, it's like loosing a little sister.

I am so consumed by my pain that I have a hard time focusing on life and I am having some short term memory loss. I cant remeber what I did half an hour ago.

Last night I sought some therapy from our local stake councelor, Bud. He listened, I cried. I listened, he shared some thoughts. He told me I need to work on bringing my walls down and let myself feel joy as well as sorrow. I need to decrease my distance from those around me. And I need to trust that my husband will listen if I just open up and share how I feel. This will be difficult for me since I dont know how to be open about something that hurts me. My tear ducts are a walking time-bomb. I dont want people to see me cry. I fear if I cry, then I am weak, people will see my vulnerability and take advantage of that and then I will hurt again. I am paranoid with obsessive compulsive disorder and heightened anxiety due to circumstance.

I am an Aunt who lost a Niece to suicide. It hurts not just to say it, but to type it as well.


brenbot. said...

You know you can always come over and cry or not cry whenever you want. Love you.

Jennie said...

Maybe what you need to do is write. Write what you're feeling on paper or on the computer somewhere that you don't have to worry about anyone else seeing it. Don't be afraid to cry. It doesn't make you weak. It's a physical response to the pain.
Sharing what you are going through with your husband will make your relationship stronger. You want him to trust you with any pain he may be going through right?

Shelly said...

Don't ever be ashamed of your tears. We all feel grief and pain in our own way AND have different ways of dealing and coping. Don't interpret that as "brushing our feelings under the rug." I know it's hard, but please share your feelings with your husband and your family who loves you. There will be other trials of life, and you need to be able to share them and the joys, to learn from them and to help others. You are such a strong person, and you will never know how your experiences now will help someone else down the road.

Heather and Spencer said...

Did you ever talk with Brandi Zierenberg? With what happened to her sister, she may be a good person for you to talk to???If you need anything, feel free to ask!

Kerry said...

Therapy is awesome! I love it! Keep it up! By the way I made a new blog...check it out!

Lauren said...

Hey's me Lauren...Check out our blog