After my nieces death I haven't been myself. I don't sleep well, I have withdrawn from social gatherings, I distance myself from others, I dont feel anything when someone hugs or touches me. I especially don't talk about my feelings to anyone for fear of breaking down to tears. I can't talk about her death without crying. I suppose I am grieving in my own way, the only way I know how, by putting up walls to avoid pain.
My heart is still broken. I officially know what that feels like. It is the worst pain I have ever felt. I would rather feel a thousand kidney stones than feel a broken heart. I am comforted by the gospel knowing I will see her again, but I am still human and I still feel humanly feelings like sorrow. Why doesn't anyone understand that I need to grieve in my own way? I cant just brush this under the rug. I was really close to my niece, it's like loosing a little sister.
I am so consumed by my pain that I have a hard time focusing on life and I am having some short term memory loss. I cant remeber what I did half an hour ago.
Last night I sought some therapy from our local stake councelor, Bud. He listened, I cried. I listened, he shared some thoughts. He told me I need to work on bringing my walls down and let myself feel joy as well as sorrow. I need to decrease my distance from those around me. And I need to trust that my husband will listen if I just open up and share how I feel. This will be difficult for me since I dont know how to be open about something that hurts me. My tear ducts are a walking time-bomb. I dont want people to see me cry. I fear if I cry, then I am weak, people will see my vulnerability and take advantage of that and then I will hurt again. I am paranoid with obsessive compulsive disorder and heightened anxiety due to circumstance.
I am an Aunt who lost a Niece to suicide. It hurts not just to say it, but to type it as well.