Saturday, November 28, 2009

Thank You

I wanted to say thank you to all of those who commented. A lot of them were really encouraging. It's not just pregnancy that I am having a hard time with. Having an unplanned pregnancy was just the icing on the cake, and it hasn't been an easy road.

I truly do feel M.E. is a blessing from God. I already love her so much. I know we were meant to have her at the time Heavenly Father wanted us to. It's just been a very difficult process to sometimes accept with the situation Robert and I are in.

Some days I am so depressed because I worry about how we are ever going to take care of her and give her what she deserves. It's a very humbling time for us to be pregnant, jobless, one working car, going to school, and living with my parents. It all weighs heavy on my shoulders and my constant question is "how do we get through this?"

I understand we are all different. For some women, it may be true, all they want is a baby so bad it doesn't matter what it takes. It has never been that way for me. Once I was told that getting pregnant might be difficult for me, I accepted that and moved on. I wasn't heartbroken. I knew that IF I ever wanted to be a mom, there would be a plan for me. But growing up, I didn't want to be a mom. I was afraid by my own childhood experiences. I even told people when I was like 10 that I never wanted to get married either. The road has been trying. I have a lot to be thankful for and I count my blessings, but I also stress over life and the cards it has dealt. I like being able to have a blog to vent on and receive comments from friends and family to help me realize they are truly there for me. Thanks to all of you.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

(Mom)ent of Truth

Okay, I know I'm gonna get razzed by everyone but seriously, you all can't change my mind. Only I am aware of how I feel, no one can feel what I am feeling. Not even Robert, as much as I wish he could.

I really hate being pregnant!

It feels awful, and no one tells you the truth about how it really is. It's like a conspiracy other mothers have going by saying how much they love being pregnant and how they never got sick or they never were tired etc. But secretly they are thinking that if they had to go through 9 months of complete misery then so does other women.

When I tell you I am never doing this again. Please leave it at that. I promise you, I will never do this again. Don't tell me that when I get to hold the baby I will forget it all. I promise you I wont forget, I am the type to remember traumatizing moments in my life. I will hold a grudge against my body forever. Yes, I am a woman, and maybe my body was made to bear children, but this body will only be bearing one child, not 5 to 10. I am not doing a disservice to my religion, there are plenty of other women who will be more than happy to bear 5 to 10 kids. They will make up for my loss. I am not on this Earth to push out as many kids as God will allow me. I am here to fulfill the purposes God had intended for me and I know what those purposes are. And if you know me you know that I feel breeding is overrated, go out and adopt.
Yes, today has been a bad day.

Monday, November 23, 2009

20 Weeks: Half Way Done and Getting Bigger

This is me at 20 weeks. I can't believe I am half way through this strange process we call pregnancy. The other night I was awaken by the worst growing pains ever and to follow were lower back aches and a charlie horse in my calf. What a miserable night. I should have been born a Kangaroo. A pouch would be so much easier. Anyways. M.E is growing so fast because I can literally feel it. I am happy she is growing, I am not happy that I can feel it. Not a fun feeling.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Thanks and Hopes

I am thankful for:
Supportive friends, family, and church members
Temple marriage
Old friends that will always be there
Every dog in the world
My Mother (I miss her so much)
Second chances
Ice cream
A roof over our heads
Spiritual guidance
The opportunity to bring a child in this world, even if it's my only opportunity.

I hope:
M.E. will have the love, support, and education that we didn't have as children
To continue adopting dogs the rest of my life
To further my testimony and gospel education
To finish school
To learn more life lesson
The best in life for those who wish to remain in my past
To eat gluten again
To eventually see a therapist
To always have Robert
To have a goat
To be a good influence to others
To serve always
To have happy wrinkles when I'm old
To have my mom live with us one day soon
To adopt more children
To see the world and it's God given beauty
To donate my body to science rather than be buried or cremated
To always be comfortable with myself

Thursday, November 12, 2009