Monday, December 28, 2009

25 Weeks

This picture is terrible, I know. But lucky for you I have an excuse. I'm battling a sinus cold.

25 week update

M.E.: She is growing bigger all the time. I feel her move and stretch quite a bit. Mostly when it's time to eat or wake up. She also moves a lot when Neil Diamond is playing. That makes me proud. It's funny to watch her move around. I think she and Link have already created a bond. He likes to rest his head on my belly more these days, and she likes to kick him. 

Bethany: Belly growths hurt. I hate wearing bras. I want to eat non stop. I'm still having emotional issues. The belly button is out. I can't see my feet. I would rather sleep than go out. I'm really tired all the time. My cravings change each week. One week it was french fries, another week it was ice cream. I have a lot of leg cramps and back pain. 

Robert: He has been amazing through out the pregnancy. He is excited about having a daughter and adding to our family. He has also been so supportive and trying to make things easier on me. I know helping me out exhausts him, but he is willing to do it because he loves me. He works really hard and I appreciate all he does.  Having a baby has really made our relationship grow stronger and our love for each other is deeper. 

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Mood Swings Galore

Frustration, depression, exhaustion, lack of motivation and anger. These are what I feel on a daily basis. It's like I have no control over who I am or what I feel anymore. My depression and anxiety have gotten worse, so of course that affects my lack of motivation and being frustrated over things I cannot control. My anger comes from not being able to express what I am feeling without being looked down upon or told I am doing it wrong if I feel this way. Exhaustion comes from the fact that I cannot take it enough carbs to keep up with M.E.'s constant growing (the majority of carbs are in foods that contain gluten).

I am definitely having a difficult pregnancy not just emotionally, but physically as well. I have a pretty messed up spine from my car accident. It's hard to do simple tasks sometimes. I have to take my time, or sit and rest with a heating pad and tylenol.

I am so thankful for an O.B. that reassures me that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am so thankful he is there for me when I need him. I am also so thankful he has studied Celiac Disease. I know I made the right choice in having him deliver M.E. He understands my fears and anxieties and is so willing to work with me so that I am more comfortable with this process. He has been the one I have trusted throughout these past 5 months. When someone else says something that just doesn't sit right with me, he confirms my feelings and makes it better. He reminds me that every woman is different and just because I am not feeling the joys that others have felt doesn't make me a failure in pregnancy. He has been my second rock next to Robert.

I honestly don't think I owe anyone an explanation on how I feel. I do have the right to vent, and I do so when  I feel I can. But most of the time when I am asked how I feel, I lie and say I'm good. I'm not good, but I don't feel like exhausting myself in an explanation that most aren't going to understand.

I am literally all over the place in emotions. I cry everyday for no reason, or maybe because there are too many reasons to deal with all at once. I am positive that post pardum will not be a fun experience for me. Until then I am on constant pins and needles until M.E. is delivered alive and healthy and in my arms.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

My 10 Honest Facts

I was given the Honest Scrap Award by Kelli at Animal Friendly Eating.
Thanks Kelli for thinking of me.

Rules to receiving this award:

1. Post the award on your blog.
2. Present this award to others whose blogs you find brilliant in content and/or design, or those who have encouraged you.
3. Tell those people they've been awarded HONEST SCRAP, inform them of these guidelines.
4. Share "Ten Honest things" about yourself.

My 10 Honest Facts

1.  I am not easily offended, but apparently I easily offend. I don't mean to. 
2. I love putting spearmint leaves in my lemonade. It's the best way to drink lemonade.
3. Dancing is my happiness remedy.
4. I have a habit of falling asleep while driving. I have had 2 car accidents due to this problem.
5. I have a hard time trusting people because of others in my life have betrayed it so often.
6. I have OCD(obsessive compulsive disorder). It used to be so bad that I would shower and change my clothes 3 times a day. Since Robert and I adopted dogs, my OCD has decreased a ton. The dogs are my therapy.
7.  I hate wearing high heels, but I love to buy them and stare at their beauty.
8. Rehabilitating dogs is my passion in life.
9.  Most young girls ask their parents for a pony, I always asked for an elephant.
10.  I have a crush on Anderson Cooper.

Blogs I Am Nominating

Ace and Elle
First of Four
Classic Jones
Just Us (plus the cat & the fish)

Crying over Commercials

Every time the ASPCA, Humane Society, and Child Fund International commercials come I immediately start crying. This isn't a new thing. I always have. I cry because I see images I know exist and that there are people in this world that hurt helpless animals and children. I hate it. I hate that people like that live in this world. I know those people will get what they deserve in the end, but for right now I want to help more than I have been. Obviously I don't have the money to donate all the time like I would like to, but if I did, I would donate it. I also wish Robert and I could adopt every animal and child in need. We will always adopt our pets, no question about it, and one day I know we will adopt children as well. I can't wait for that day. I feel such joy when I hear about an animal that was saved or a child was adopted into a loving home. Children and animals have such perfect souls that do not deserve to be abused and tortured.Spay and neuter your pets, love and cherish your children.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Opening the Door, I Tried to Keep Closed

***Note: This post is purely for my personal recovery with issues I dealt with my entire life, comment if you'd like but do remember I am publicly writing this for my own recovery***

Do you know why a porcupine has quills? It's their defense mechanism. I too have a defense mechanism.

Robert married me knowing that my fertility was not very strong and accepted it. We both knew that when it was time for us to be parents, Heavenly Father would provide a way for us to do so. We were not going to worry about it.

If you have never had a miscarriage, let me tell you, they are very painful. Not just physically but emotionally and can really mess up your immune system. It can tear you apart as a woman. You constantly wonder what you did wrong. Well, instead of emotionally healing from it I became the porcupine and let out my quills. I convinced myself I didn't ever want children, that I purely disliked them. This was my way of coping without having to explain to nosy women why Robert and I didn't have kids yet. I always hated that question. I really wanted to say "You don't know me, what gives you the right to ask me that question and know my business?" But instead I just flat out said "I don't like kids" and we left it at that. It was so easy, and it kept me from crying all day. My quills were saving me from myself.

Once I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, and I maintained a gluten free diet to bring my immune system back to health, I immediately became pregnant to our surprise. It was a very pleasant surprise but we also had our hesitations and worries about being pregnant. We just waited for me to miscarry again. It was constantly on our minds. I was so afraid of going through that again. I just can't go through that again. The pain and disappointment. So as I lay here 5 months pregnant, my quills are still out. I still expect something to go wrong since that is all I know. I fear everything there is to fear. Will she come to early? Will she be a still birth?
I once again tell people, I don't want another after M.E. to avoid the painful conversation of my reality.

I know not very many women know what I went through and what I am feeling. I don't expect them to understand, but I do expect them to be sensitive to all women and their situations. I am so thankful for the few women in my life that understand what it's like to have fertility issues. They have been so supportive and loving and great listeners.

I guess thats all I really needed. Someone who would listen rather than talk my ear off about their pregnancy. All I need is a shoulder sometimes. I don't really like being bombarded with others opinions or being talked down to. It really pushes me away further from trusting others with my real feelings.

I hope this helped me overcome some of my problems and puts me on a path to recover from this depression.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Support Our Troops By Saying Thank You This Season


If you go to this web site, you can pick out a thank you card and Xerox will print it and it will be sent to a soldier that is currently serving in Iraq.

You can't pick out who gets it, but it will go to a member of the armed services.

How AMAZING it would be if we could get everyone we know to send one!!!

It is FREE and it only takes a second.

Wouldn't it be wonderful if the soldiers received a bunch of these?

Whether you are for or against the war, our soldiers over there need to know we are behind them.

This takes just 10 seconds and it's a wonderful way to say thank you.

Please take the time to send a card, and please take the time to pass it on for others to do. We can never say enough thank you's.

Thanks for taking to time to support our military!

So Sleepy......zZzZz

Every morning I have the hardest time waking up. "No, just a little bit longer" I tell the dogs, who really need to go out and do their business. Around 3PM I want to sleep again. I am so tired by the time it hits 3, that I could seriously pass out wherever I am. Then, 6PM rolls around and it's so dark out that my body believes it's time for bed. Yep, I pretty much spend most of my days asleep. Just looking at the laundry that needs to be put away makes me tired. There are times I would rather sleep than eat, but M.E. doesn't let me sleep until I eat. I really don't have much to add to the blog lately because the most I do is sleep and that's pretty boring for everyone to read about.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

My Friend S. Miles

I consider S. Miles my friend. I don't know if she considers me her friend, but that doesn't matter so much anymore. I used to worry she didn't like me and I wanted her to like me so bad. Maybe she does now, but the important thing is that I like her, I consider her my friend because I want to. That pretty much goes for everyone. I consider everyone my friend whether they like it or not. Even if you hate me, that's your problem because you are still my friend in my mind. Anyways, back to S.Miles.

I know she has been through a lot in life, just as I have. I don't judge her for her choices. That would not be fair. I don't want to be judged by others for my choices. She is who she is and I am who I am. We are not supposed to be the same. Our sorrows and joys are not always the same. She does not know how many pregnancies I have miscarried and the trauma it put on my body, and how much my disease affects my pregnancy, and I do not know how much extensive doctor visits she has had to be able to have children. And it may not be her body that is rejecting pregnancies. We can't always assume that we know someone else's situation when we really don't. We all need to be open minded about others situations in life. Heavenly Father has different plans for both of our families. There is a particular reason why our plans are not the same. She knows her plan and follows it, I know my plan and I follow it. I will not judge her for the plan Heavenly Father has for her. And if I say that I am not having another child after this one, that needs to be accepted by others out there because they don't know what confirmation I may already have from Heavenly Father. We all have different plans, and we are meant to struggle through these plans for a reason. I show my struggles differently than others, it's how I know how to cope. The same goes for S. Miles, she will cope in her struggles differently than I. But I will still be her friend. I will still help her out the best way I know how. She has helped me through things whether she is aware of it or not and I thank her deeply for that.

Word of Wisdom

I have been dissecting the Word of Wisdom (Doctrine & Covenants Section 89)lately because I want to obviously follow the Word of Wisdom, but also be healthier for my own good. I was reading the verses that deal with eating meat, and we are told to eat it sparingly. Now the word sparingly is often an opinion to those who decide how much sparingly really means. To me it means meat does not need to be eaten in every meal, and that's exactly what I am going to live by. I am choosing to only eat meat from home, I have more assurance knowing whats in it and how it is prepared. When it comes to eating out at restaurants I will choose to not eat meat. How can I trust their meats don't have hormones or fillers that could cause my health to deteriorate in the long run. I have also decided to go back to cutting soda out of my diet as well. It's empty calories filled with a cheaper sugar source and nasty dyes. I don't need that in my body. I especially don't need to be passing that stuff along to my baby.

I want to start taking the Word of Wisdom more seriously because I know it was written for our health. I know that I should take better care of my body. Heavenly Father gave it to me to take care of. My body is a temple and I should not mistreat it. I vow to eat candy in moderation, reduce my meat intake and discard soda completely. I am so happy to be making this decision. I feel so good about it, that it's the right decision for my body.