Frustration, depression, exhaustion, lack of motivation and anger. These are what I feel on a daily basis. It's like I have no control over who I am or what I feel anymore. My depression and anxiety have gotten worse, so of course that affects my lack of motivation and being frustrated over things I cannot control. My anger comes from not being able to express what I am feeling without being looked down upon or told I am doing it wrong if I feel this way. Exhaustion comes from the fact that I cannot take it enough carbs to keep up with M.E.'s constant growing (the majority of carbs are in foods that contain gluten).
I am definitely having a difficult pregnancy not just emotionally, but physically as well. I have a pretty messed up spine from my car accident. It's hard to do simple tasks sometimes. I have to take my time, or sit and rest with a heating pad and tylenol.
I am so thankful for an O.B. that reassures me that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing. I am so thankful he is there for me when I need him. I am also so thankful he has studied Celiac Disease. I know I made the right choice in having him deliver M.E. He understands my fears and anxieties and is so willing to work with me so that I am more comfortable with this process. He has been the one I have trusted throughout these past 5 months. When someone else says something that just doesn't sit right with me, he confirms my feelings and makes it better. He reminds me that every woman is different and just because I am not feeling the joys that others have felt doesn't make me a failure in pregnancy. He has been my second rock next to Robert.
I honestly don't think I owe anyone an explanation on how I feel. I do have the right to vent, and I do so when I feel I can. But most of the time when I am asked how I feel, I lie and say I'm good. I'm not good, but I don't feel like exhausting myself in an explanation that most aren't going to understand.
I am literally all over the place in emotions. I cry everyday for no reason, or maybe because there are too many reasons to deal with all at once. I am positive that post pardum will not be a fun experience for me. Until then I am on constant pins and needles until M.E. is delivered alive and healthy and in my arms.