Thursday, December 10, 2009

Opening the Door, I Tried to Keep Closed

***Note: This post is purely for my personal recovery with issues I dealt with my entire life, comment if you'd like but do remember I am publicly writing this for my own recovery***

Do you know why a porcupine has quills? It's their defense mechanism. I too have a defense mechanism.

Robert married me knowing that my fertility was not very strong and accepted it. We both knew that when it was time for us to be parents, Heavenly Father would provide a way for us to do so. We were not going to worry about it.

If you have never had a miscarriage, let me tell you, they are very painful. Not just physically but emotionally and can really mess up your immune system. It can tear you apart as a woman. You constantly wonder what you did wrong. Well, instead of emotionally healing from it I became the porcupine and let out my quills. I convinced myself I didn't ever want children, that I purely disliked them. This was my way of coping without having to explain to nosy women why Robert and I didn't have kids yet. I always hated that question. I really wanted to say "You don't know me, what gives you the right to ask me that question and know my business?" But instead I just flat out said "I don't like kids" and we left it at that. It was so easy, and it kept me from crying all day. My quills were saving me from myself.

Once I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, and I maintained a gluten free diet to bring my immune system back to health, I immediately became pregnant to our surprise. It was a very pleasant surprise but we also had our hesitations and worries about being pregnant. We just waited for me to miscarry again. It was constantly on our minds. I was so afraid of going through that again. I just can't go through that again. The pain and disappointment. So as I lay here 5 months pregnant, my quills are still out. I still expect something to go wrong since that is all I know. I fear everything there is to fear. Will she come to early? Will she be a still birth?
I once again tell people, I don't want another after M.E. to avoid the painful conversation of my reality.

I know not very many women know what I went through and what I am feeling. I don't expect them to understand, but I do expect them to be sensitive to all women and their situations. I am so thankful for the few women in my life that understand what it's like to have fertility issues. They have been so supportive and loving and great listeners.

I guess thats all I really needed. Someone who would listen rather than talk my ear off about their pregnancy. All I need is a shoulder sometimes. I don't really like being bombarded with others opinions or being talked down to. It really pushes me away further from trusting others with my real feelings.

I hope this helped me overcome some of my problems and puts me on a path to recover from this depression.


Ashley Pollard said...

Hey bethany,

I can't begin to imagine what you are going through and I won't try too act like I do. But I will be a support to you. Pregnancy no matter what is scary and in your case even more. You have been through a lot in your life and to be a porcupine is something that a lot of people do but won't admit it. Believe me I know I was like that majority of my life. You never truly understand why things happen in your life. But one thing is for sure is we can learn from those things. Bethany I know you were meant to be a mother. whether its of one or six. You have such a kind, strong and thoughtful heart. Heavenly father has blessed you and if you keep trusting him, your beautiful little M.E. will come and bring you so much joy and love. He has a different plan for everyone, one thing that I have learned is he only gives us challenges and trials that we can handle, and you are a strong person and he felt that you could handle and become stronger from your trials. You are a wonderful person and will be a wonderful mother to M.E. she will have a blessed life and I can tell will be so loved & she will be stronger because of your experiences. Bethany we love you and you are in our prayers. M.E. seems to be a little fighter so I don't think she will give up on you!!!!! Hope your having a wonderful holiday and we should get together soon! Luv Ash!

Missy said...

Hey. I worry at times too but I know that it is out of my hands and in Heavenly Father's and that as long as I do my best to be healthy that is all I can do. It is Heavenly Father's plan and I have faith in him that everything will turn out the way it should be even if it's not what I utlimately want. I keep telling myself that and it helps me to enjoy the experience more. I'm sure you know this already but thought I would write it anyway hoping it would help a little. Muah!

Shelly said...

You are so brave to put your feelings out there, but also so honest to be upfront and tell the world. I can understand how you would mask your fears and heartache with toughness and the attitude of not wanting kids. But, you are such a nurturer and you have so many talents. We are created to be mothers, but someday we will understand why some of us had more challenges than others. I envy those who had miscarriages, because at least they knew they could get pregnant. I don't mean that in a hurtful way, because I know a miscarriage is a serious event. But for me, I had one and only one chance for a child. I don't doubt that, someday, I will have more in Heaven. You will make a great mom, and I know how much you love M.E. already. You will have a lifetime of love and blessings to make up for your few months of discomfort. Don't be afraid. I know you can do this!

Jena Wright said...

Bethany I'm so sorry you are feeling so down still. I don't really know what to say other than 'buck up little gipper'. I love you, your friends and family love you, Robert loves you, Heavenly Father loves you, and there's lots of people out there rooting for you. Life is hard man! Sometimes we've gotta go through things that just stink, but never be afraid to ask for a shoulder when u need it. I'm happy to help in any way I can.

kelli said...

i hope you are doing well, bethany. i tagged you for an award over at my blog - the rule is to write 10 honest facts about yourself - i'd love to read yours! =)

racheyroy said...

Right now I am remembering way back when we werein high school. Oh how different life was. We have all grown so much and have so much more to go! I love you Bethany. I am glad we have been able to share some things together eventhough we are not near eachother.