***Note: This post is purely for my personal recovery with issues I dealt with my entire life, comment if you'd like but do remember I am publicly writing this for my own recovery***
Do you know why a porcupine has quills? It's their defense mechanism. I too have a defense mechanism.
Robert married me knowing that my fertility was not very strong and accepted it. We both knew that when it was time for us to be parents, Heavenly Father would provide a way for us to do so. We were not going to worry about it.
If you have never had a miscarriage, let me tell you, they are very painful. Not just physically but emotionally and can really mess up your immune system. It can tear you apart as a woman. You constantly wonder what you did wrong. Well, instead of emotionally healing from it I became the porcupine and let out my quills. I convinced myself I didn't ever want children, that I purely disliked them. This was my way of coping without having to explain to nosy women why Robert and I didn't have kids yet. I always hated that question. I really wanted to say "You don't know me, what gives you the right to ask me that question and know my business?" But instead I just flat out said "I don't like kids" and we left it at that. It was so easy, and it kept me from crying all day. My quills were saving me from myself.
Once I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease, and I maintained a gluten free diet to bring my immune system back to health, I immediately became pregnant to our surprise. It was a very pleasant surprise but we also had our hesitations and worries about being pregnant. We just waited for me to miscarry again. It was constantly on our minds. I was so afraid of going through that again. I just can't go through that again. The pain and disappointment. So as I lay here 5 months pregnant, my quills are still out. I still expect something to go wrong since that is all I know. I fear everything there is to fear. Will she come to early? Will she be a still birth?
I once again tell people, I don't want another after M.E. to avoid the painful conversation of my reality.
I know not very many women know what I went through and what I am feeling. I don't expect them to understand, but I do expect them to be sensitive to all women and their situations. I am so thankful for the few women in my life that understand what it's like to have fertility issues. They have been so supportive and loving and great listeners.
I guess thats all I really needed. Someone who would listen rather than talk my ear off about their pregnancy. All I need is a shoulder sometimes. I don't really like being bombarded with others opinions or being talked down to. It really pushes me away further from trusting others with my real feelings.
I hope this helped me overcome some of my problems and puts me on a path to recover from this depression.