Sunday, February 28, 2010

Crazy?

I realize not every woman goes through prenatal depression or have the high risk of postpartum depression over her head, and not everyone in my life is going to understand how I feel or what I am going through. The least they can do is pretend to understand or listen to me when I need to vent or not make me feel like an awful person for feeling this way.
         I am naturally hard on myself and don't feel like I deserve to lift myself up and then I get told how I should feel. This creates more depression and anxiety to deal with. Anxiety not only consumes my mentality but my whole being as well. I have anxiety attacks every night in my sleep or right before I go to bed or if I was faced with a difficult situation and then I dwell on it all day and night. My body physically convulses, I can't breathe, the whole world is coming to an end in my mind.
          Basically without my medication I am seeing there are two sides to me with an experience such as the one I am in. One part of me totally relies on the Lord, and prayer, and faith and is excited to be a mom, the other part of me is discouraged and scared, full of fear and doesn't know if I can actually handle motherhood. I know the second part of me is my anxiety, and I can't give in to those feelings. I am trying so so so hard to act normal and feel normal and convince others that I feel normal, but there is a battle inside me telling me I'm not. Telling me that I am sick. This sends me into my anxiety attacks. I feel like I lost the battle once my anxiety attacks hit.
          I need to hear that I am supported instead of being told what to do or hearing "everything will be fine" You can't say things like that to someone with anxiety issues, the mind takes it differently and actually makes the anxiety worse and can make an anxious person snap and lose trust. Been there, done that. It's a different world inside my head. My mind doesn't take the typical encouragements very well, I shut down to the max. I become overwhelmed with feelings of discouragement and just beat myself up emotionally.
          Thankfully I see a therapist that listens and helps me feel like I am not a failure, and what I am feeling is normal. I have to learn to brush off or ignore peoples comments (if you feel like I may be ignoring your conversation with me, I am doing it for my own good by recommendation by my therapist so that I may learn to stay sane) She is a blessing in my life, she is very encouraging to me to stay faithful and rely on our Savior. I need to hear that from someone who understands how I feel. Pregnancy is very difficult on me. Accept it or not. I have to accept it and try not to blame myself for it. I don't want to be sick anymore, I don't want to deal with these mental battles anymore, and I especially don't want anxiety attacks anymore. Ugh, why am I messed up?

Friday, February 5, 2010

30 Weeks and Updates



Updates of the week: diagnosed with gestational diabetes, 98% chance of a C-Section, M.E. is in the 51 percentile of size and as far as they can tell she is very healthy. Too bad I'm not on the healthy side. Diabetes sucks! I have no idea what I'm doing, I have never counted carbs in my life. First I'm told to eat a lot of the foods I can to gain weight and now I have to control my portions. I hope I don't lose weight during my last 9 weeks of pregnancy. I am happy for those who enjoy being pregnant or enjoyed their first pregnancy, but do understand that I am not enjoying this one bit. Don't tell me everything will be fine, that's not what I want to hear, it really just makes the situation worse. I have a lot to stress about, from my experience, everything is not always fine. One thing after another, there is no break in life. It is a constant test, a constant struggle to find a day where everything just goes perfectly well. I'm very tired. My mind is tired, my emotions are tired, and my body is tired. Who am I going to be at the end of this? Where will my emotions and mind be after this is over? Will I fail? Will I heal?