Sunday, February 28, 2010

Crazy?

I realize not every woman goes through prenatal depression or have the high risk of postpartum depression over her head, and not everyone in my life is going to understand how I feel or what I am going through. The least they can do is pretend to understand or listen to me when I need to vent or not make me feel like an awful person for feeling this way.
         I am naturally hard on myself and don't feel like I deserve to lift myself up and then I get told how I should feel. This creates more depression and anxiety to deal with. Anxiety not only consumes my mentality but my whole being as well. I have anxiety attacks every night in my sleep or right before I go to bed or if I was faced with a difficult situation and then I dwell on it all day and night. My body physically convulses, I can't breathe, the whole world is coming to an end in my mind.
          Basically without my medication I am seeing there are two sides to me with an experience such as the one I am in. One part of me totally relies on the Lord, and prayer, and faith and is excited to be a mom, the other part of me is discouraged and scared, full of fear and doesn't know if I can actually handle motherhood. I know the second part of me is my anxiety, and I can't give in to those feelings. I am trying so so so hard to act normal and feel normal and convince others that I feel normal, but there is a battle inside me telling me I'm not. Telling me that I am sick. This sends me into my anxiety attacks. I feel like I lost the battle once my anxiety attacks hit.
          I need to hear that I am supported instead of being told what to do or hearing "everything will be fine" You can't say things like that to someone with anxiety issues, the mind takes it differently and actually makes the anxiety worse and can make an anxious person snap and lose trust. Been there, done that. It's a different world inside my head. My mind doesn't take the typical encouragements very well, I shut down to the max. I become overwhelmed with feelings of discouragement and just beat myself up emotionally.
          Thankfully I see a therapist that listens and helps me feel like I am not a failure, and what I am feeling is normal. I have to learn to brush off or ignore peoples comments (if you feel like I may be ignoring your conversation with me, I am doing it for my own good by recommendation by my therapist so that I may learn to stay sane) She is a blessing in my life, she is very encouraging to me to stay faithful and rely on our Savior. I need to hear that from someone who understands how I feel. Pregnancy is very difficult on me. Accept it or not. I have to accept it and try not to blame myself for it. I don't want to be sick anymore, I don't want to deal with these mental battles anymore, and I especially don't want anxiety attacks anymore. Ugh, why am I messed up?

6 comments:

Julia Everts said...

:( just remember, you are a child of God.

Heather and Spencer said...

Glad you have a great therapist to work with!!! I am here if you need to vent! How did the hospital tour/visit go?

Amber said...

I think everyone has some "crazy" in them. (I personally think it has a lot to do with how we are all raised by our parents; which makes me take my role as a mother very seriously) Our past experiences and understandings make us all see the world differently. Unfortunately it also means we are all poorly equipped to handle different situations and often struggle to fit into the mold of normalcy. I think you may be surprised to realize just how un-normal most of the people around us are, even when they are portraying something out of a Stepford Wives movie.

Jessica said...

You are NOT messed up. You are wonderful, and beautiful and fantastic just how you are.
I love you!
I'll be in Simi this Sat- Tues. Let's hang out!

Shelly said...

You are not messed up, and you don't need to apologize to anyone or feel inferior. It is ok to go to therapy, and it is ok to take medication if you need to in order to help that part of you. You are still a righteous woman and will be a great mother. Go to the church website to find some old Ensign articles on the subject of depression or anxiety. I'm not exactly sure what you should search for, but I know there have been articles on these subjects. The Lord will bless you when you are doing what is right for your health and for your family. We are always blessed when we are moving ahead in positive ways. Heavenly Father knows your heart, and he will always be there even if it sometimes seems like a struggle. Hang in there!

kelli said...

i'm sorry you feel you are messed up. i don't think you are.=) i don't know you personally but you seem like a very sweet person who wears her heart on her sleeve. we're all a little scared, and it's nice to know we are not alone.

i think i would be very scared and anxious being pregnant. financially it would be stressful and there would be fear of raising a child in this world. PLUS, you have your disease to deal with, so i can't even imagine how you feel. (i wish i could give you big hugs right now!!!)

you must be a strong person for god to choose you to deal with these pains. i believe m.e. is a very special baby with a very special mommy!=)