Just now as I lie in bed doing some down time on my laptop, I had an instant feeling of panic. I almost gave Robert a nudge to have someone to talk to about it, but he is asleep so I wont bother him.
I started to think about M.E. and how I see a difference in her mood and behavior when I give her food containing gluten. She will be tested this coming year for Celiac Disease. I'm afraid she has it. I don't want her to have it, but I'm afraid that she does. How do I explain to a 2 year old that the other kids around her can have cookies, cupcakes, and brownies and she can't. What a miserable childhood to have to live to be told "no" when other kids are being told "yes" over birthday cake. The last thing a kid wants in life is to have to be different from everyone else and feel left out. I'm scared she wont be invited to birthday parties because she can't eat the cake (yes, some people are like that, it's been done to me). Obviously I have a lot of worries bouncing around in my head that I don't have answers to right now. I can't fix the problem that hasn't happened yet. I can't make my issues her issues and make it a bigger deal than what she is capable of knowing. I can't hover and protect her either. She will have to learn by her own will how serious and life threatening this auto immune disease can be to your body. She will feel support from some family members and feel unacknowledged by others. She will be tempted, there will be internal consequences. My job is to be an example. Strong. Never even considering the temptation. She is my reason to live. I love M.E. I want to give her a healthy life. I suppose I just want to be prepared when this day does come.
Sunday, December 11, 2011
This is our real Christmas photo.
And some extras...
Yeah, she wasn't happy. Huge thanks to Matt Grashaw, again, for always taking our family photos.
Merry Christmas to all of our friends & family.
Thursday, November 10, 2011
I broke down this morning. In the shower, where no one would hear me. I cried over my regrets. I thought about all the things I could have done different and just cried. I hate leaving my daughter on the mornings I have to work. I hate missing out on her discoveries. I want to go back in time and hold my infant again, longer and tighter, not letting her go. Creating that bond that I feel I didn't know how to create in the beginning. I hate my body for not producing the milk she needed, that could have been a bonding moment. I regret having her stay in the hospitals nursery at night and allowing the nurses to feed her and change her. That's my responsibility, and I couldn't do it. I hate my body for being so weak. 19 months later, I feel my child push me away, I see her act out. I blame myself. Im not home all the time for her to have the consistency she needs. I want that love she gives to my mom. Heavenly Father blessed me with a child, my only chance, and I didn't get to fully enjoy all the things it means to be a mother. I know what I did wrong. I want to take it all back and start over. I know the universe doesn't work that way. I have to make it right from this moment on. This is my only opportunity. I would quit my job today if I could. I love my daughter and want to shower her with love and knowledge.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
As M.E. has approached 18 months, I felt it necessary to try a big girl bed. I read on my trusty Baby Center website that most kids will try to climb out of the crib at 18 months, and that is sometimes the sign to move onto a toddler bed. Thankfully M.E. hasn't tried to climb out of her crib, and I certainly wanted to avoid any misfortune of her doing so. Instead, she has been trying to climb into her crib when she knows it is nap time or bed time. We have stuck her to a tight schedule, so her body pretty much knows it's time to rest. We figured, she is so good at putting herself to bed that it is time for a big girl bed. She was upset at first to the change, but surprisingly she sleeps through the night and still takes good naps. She has slipped out of bed a few times in her sleep, but she crawls right back into bed and back off to sleep she goes. I am really proud of our big girl. It's sad how fast she has to grow up, but she will do it eventually, with or without us.
Monday, September 19, 2011
We bought M.E. A potty chair back when she was 13 months old, to get her used to the idea that a potty chair her size would be hanging out in the bathroom. We would sit her on it every once in awhile so it wouldn't be a scary surprise out of nowhere when it came time to potty training. We would also take her to the bathroom with us when we had to potty, so she could see that we use a potty too, and it would encourage her to want to do what we do. We would sit on our potty and she would sit on her potty. Well now M.E. Is almost 18 months and she has pottied on it 4 times and pooped twice. We haven't been consistent about since she isn't fully ready to take that jump, but she knows what it's for and she knows what to do when she sits on it. We are hoping to have her fully potty trained by 2, and I think we are off to a very good start with no pressure and early intervention. I am so proud of M.E. And her wanting to try new things.
Thursday, September 8, 2011
A few months ago groupon had a one night deal for the Queen Mary. Robert has never stayed there, though we toured it back during our honeymoon. He has always wanted to stay aboard the cruise line ship turned hotel. We didn't have the money really to take advantage of this deal, but I had earned plenty over the past year and a half selling off of etsy. I decided it will be our Christmas present. Neither of us really need anything, except a small quiet staycation together. I bought it. Robert was so excited. Deal was, we had to use it ASAP. So we celebrated Christmas in August with just the 2 of us.
Ate at Ruby's
The Hanger that once held Howard Hughes, Spruce Goose
Our view of Long Beach and the massive aquarium
Sun bathing alone at Captains Sun Deck
Atop the Captains Sun Deck stage
Our tour guide for our Haunted Encounters tour at door 13 where a soldier was crushed by the door during WWII.
Our tour guide for our Behind the Scenes tour. This is the Queens Salon where 1st class danced along Fred Astaire and to the voice of Bob Hope. We got to go in. It was beautiful. I now wish we had our reception there.
In the restaurant where I encountered my first Queen Mary ghost when I was younger
Anyone for Ping Pong?
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
We went camping for the first time as a family with our dear friends, Brenna & Jason. We stayed the weekend at Malibu Creek State Park. It was a total blast. I honestly love camping. M.E. did really well and she enjoyed so much of the attention.
Playing with Jason's head light
Being swooned by Jimmy
Deer right outside our tent
More deer on our morning walk
M.E. sittin' like a big girl
Helping with breakfast
about to jump on the air mattress
Peek-a-boo! There she is!
I am positive we are going to do this again next year.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Daryl's Bridal Shower
Our Rockin' 50's Birthday
Disneyland on Independence Day
Visiting Great Grandma and Great Grandpa in Utah
Visiting Aunt Mindy and Uncle Russ and cousins in Utah
Elephants at Hogle Zoo
Learning to play the drums
And throwing a baby shower for Eric and Erica.
The adventure continues!