Thursday, November 10, 2011

Regretful Heart

I broke down this morning. In the shower, where no one would hear me. I cried over my regrets. I thought about all the things I could have done different and just cried. I hate leaving my daughter on the mornings I have to work. I hate missing out on her discoveries. I want to go back in time and hold my infant again, longer and tighter, not letting her go. Creating that bond that I feel I didn't know how to create in the beginning. I hate my body for not producing the milk she needed, that could have been a bonding moment. I regret having her stay in the hospitals nursery at night and allowing the nurses to feed her and change her. That's my responsibility, and I couldn't do it. I hate my body for being so weak. 19 months later, I feel my child push me away, I see her act out. I blame myself. Im not home all the time for her to have the consistency she needs. I want that love she gives to my mom. Heavenly Father blessed me with a child, my only chance, and I didn't get to fully enjoy all the things it means to be a mother. I know what I did wrong. I want to take it all back and start over. I know the universe doesn't work that way. I have to make it right from this moment on. This is my only opportunity. I would quit my job today if I could. I love my daughter and want to shower her with love and knowledge.