Thursday, November 10, 2011

Regretful Heart

I broke down this morning. In the shower, where no one would hear me. I cried over my regrets. I thought about all the things I could have done different and just cried. I hate leaving my daughter on the mornings I have to work. I hate missing out on her discoveries. I want to go back in time and hold my infant again, longer and tighter, not letting her go. Creating that bond that I feel I didn't know how to create in the beginning. I hate my body for not producing the milk she needed, that could have been a bonding moment. I regret having her stay in the hospitals nursery at night and allowing the nurses to feed her and change her. That's my responsibility, and I couldn't do it. I hate my body for being so weak. 19 months later, I feel my child push me away, I see her act out. I blame myself. Im not home all the time for her to have the consistency she needs. I want that love she gives to my mom. Heavenly Father blessed me with a child, my only chance, and I didn't get to fully enjoy all the things it means to be a mother. I know what I did wrong. I want to take it all back and start over. I know the universe doesn't work that way. I have to make it right from this moment on. This is my only opportunity. I would quit my job today if I could. I love my daughter and want to shower her with love and knowledge.

6 comments:

racheyroy said...

oh bethany, i understand how hard it is to be a working mom. jocelyn calls her baby sitter mom sometimes. but i know she loves me. i know i show her how much i love her. do not blame yourself. i let her stay in the nursery. i needed sleep. i nursed her a bit but had to give her a bottle. we needed to be happy when she ate. she acts out. she is a toddler. just look at your successes! look at your posts below! she knows her mother, she loves her. its life. we may not have raised our children the same as a mom who can stay at home. but we are working because we love them. it is hard, i want to be there too. but know she loves you and knows how much you love her. you did everything right for your family and your situation.

Shelly said...

M.E. LOVES you, and you ARE a good mom. All moms have regrets. Even if we had our moms around to show us or read lots of books, everything doesn't go as perfectly as we would like. The main thing is to not give up. Each new day gives you new opportunities, and there will be many milestones that you won't miss and many discoveries that you will make together. There is no progress in regretting what might have been, but there is great progress and joy to be had in making each day the best it can be. Happy Mothering!

Shelly said...

You ARE a great mom, and M.E. LOVES you. Do you think there's any mom who is perfect? Even with our moms to "show us how" and books by the experts, there are always bumps and bruises along the way. Diaper rash comes even when we've done our very best to change, bathe, etc. The house doesn't get clean everyday. Babies get grumpy just like we sometimes do. Just go with it. It isn't our fault if Baby spits up or has a nightmare. Some things are just part of growing. The important part is that you are there to bathe, feed, play, cuddle, comfort, etc., etc. You are NOT a bad mom for working part-time. You are doing what you have to do. It doesn't mean you are neglecting your daughter. And she is in good hands when you can't be there. Regretting won't get you anywhere. All moms wish we could have done things differently or better. Give yourself a pat on the back for all the things you've done well, and all the things you will keep on doing well. The important thing is to love M.E. everyday and not give up. Happy Mothering!

Jennie said...

Bethany - you are so fabulous. May you have a grateful heart. Wish I could give you hug.

Heather and Spencer said...

You are a great mom! M.E. loves you! When she was born, you knew what you were capable of and there is nothing wrong with taking care of yourself...who cares if she spent a little time in the nursery at the hospital? She doesn't remember, and it gave you MUCH NEEDED rest, which makes you a better mom! As for nursing,just because she was bottle fed doesn't mean she didn't bond with you while feeding. M.E. thinks you are the best mom ever!

The Marley Family said...

Hey Bethany, after reading your blog post, I read a friends blog and thought what she just posted about might bring you comfort in some way. Hope it does. :)

Here's a link: http://dv-la.blogspot.com/2011/11/my-lifes-greatest-work.html