Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Love

I am genuinely in love with my husband. We have both made mistakes and have both contemplated if we really love each other. I believe that through the mistakes and contemplation's we have fallen more in love. Our bonds are stronger. Our hearts melt faster and our hands are always held by the other.
Robert is hard working and supports our family completely. He is also very supportive in my growing business, our daughters interests, and my celiac disease. He is so supportive, he takes the pictures of my designs, helps build my blog, and is always learning new gluten free recipes so that I may be able to enjoy food again.
This is one man I am so glad I did not give up on.

My parents gave up on each other. They made mistakes and they made their choice to terminate their marriage. Their choices definitely affected my adolescence,  who I was, who I became and the choices I made in life. It left me feeling undeserving of love, undeserving of attention, and undeserving of stability.

My dating life was never stable. Most of the men I dated were unavailable jerks. I suppose I always knew that. I suppose I fell for them on purpose, because I believed I was unlovable  I suppose I had already known they wouldn't ever love me the way I should be loved. To allow anyone to love me would mean I would have to be vulnerable. That scared me.

Meeting Robert didn't give me hope. I was so used to dating guys that didn't want to take it to the next level that I just decided I didn't care about impressing him or trying to be the type of girl I think he would want. Instead, I was myself. I wore a black tee shirt and green lounge pants and no makeup. I wasn't going to get dolled up for another guy. He was going to get me, the real me, and he was just going to have to deal with it. He was quiet. Didn't try to impress me either. I liked that. But not enough to fully commit. Just enough to enjoy his company.

We had a lot in common, but I still was not ready to throw caution to the wind and let him take me under his wing. I was not ready to be loved or I didn't think I deserved to be loved.

One night, Robert came over and wanted to have the "DTR" talk with me. I went into full panic mode. I wouldn't allow him to tell me was falling in love with me. I couldn't handle that. What if it was a lie, what if he would realize I'm not worth loving. What if he got bored of me and found someone better looking and more fun. Another heartbreak? No. I was determined to live my life alone, fulfilled by my career. I forced him to leave. I told him to never call me again.

That didn't work. He was persistent. Still is. He was so stubborn to get me back. This 22 year old boy was fighting for me to release my demons and allow him to love me. Allow me to love him. After a duration of time, he never once gave up. He knew what he wanted. He wanted me. And I couldn't fathom it. I had never been wanted by anyone. I had never been so loved. My brain was bewildered. The concept was maddening! He gave me his heart, knowing I could break it anytime. Knowing that he would just keep fighting for me. I couldn't get rid of him. I couldn't deny that I felt a sense of comfort and trust with him. Like he had been a part of my life all along. I couldn't deny that my heart had found a home in him. I took it one step further. I told him I loved him too and that I wanted to spend eternity with him. For 22, eternity is not fully understood. But, he wanted me for eternity as well. I still can't wrap my head around it, but if it has to be eternity, I'm glad it's with Robert. 7 years of marriage and one child, I am still very happy in my choice to marry and to marry the man meant for me. Who released me of the demons my parents choices created.

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